Tag Archives: insecurities

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes? Really?

I found myself in a hallway, standing against the wall with huge windows on the opposite side. Women with large cameras started lining up along side me. I wondered for a moment, then figured out what was going on.

Oh. My. Goodness. I was with a handful of bloggers waiting to cover the President’s arrival at Walt Disney World! Can you believe it? And only moments ago, I was driving a stolen tractor.

I assumed they were lining up a day early to get a good spot…and that I would miss the actual arrival. But what do you know? A large thick, orange jet appears in the sky outside the windows and lands in front of us. HE’s here! It’s President Obama and his family…and I get to witness it all! I’m so incredibly excited!!

The first family disembarks the jet (in their jammies), and lucky me…I have camera in hand. I snap and snap, I snap away. I fiddle for my phone for a tweet. I accidentally grab the phone from the woman next to me and shamefully return it, half amused at my awkwardness. Me. She was not amused an iota.

The Obamas dash by quickly waving and smiling but there are entertainers of the circus parade variety following them and I try to get photos of it all. None of my pictures are turning out very good of course. But I keep trying.

After the hubbub has past, I notice a table of goodies set out before us. Several varieties of yummy cookies and cakes…but I can’t have any. Wretched gluten, you know. Still I look…and I inhale deeply to get a taste.

A fellow blogger makes a snide comment about having to show forever gratitude or risk never being invited again. So as I’m walking out, I thank everyone. I don’t really know who’s in charge, so I have to cover my bases. And I am grateful.

No one seems very fond of me, but then a shorter, thicker woman says, “That’s a nice look for you.” I smile and thank her. Until I notice that my skirt is in a bunch and unbuttoned. My pubic line is showing and I scramble to cover myself properly. I look back at the woman and see that she’s pulled off her wig. She’s actually a grumpy little man. It’s Disney.

I continue to walk and now I’m in a mall. But I can’t remember where I parked. I’m walking in circles trying to recall and realize I’m actually at school. Problem though…I cannot for the life of me remember my class schedule. I let myself off the hook because it’s a brand new semester, but I’m really puzzled as to why I don’t know where I’m supposed to be. I turn the corner and I’m in a hospital, then a Disney building and I’m back in the mall.

A group of Japanese entertainers, dressed as Chinese clowns are in front of me. The woman in charge of their group notices my dismay and decides to cheer me up…but I nearly fall in a giant fake egg roll. When a dog comes up behind me and starts to hump me…well I’ve had too much. It’s time to go.

I wake myself and I wonder, “Crap! Did I oversleep? Are the kids late for school?” But all is well, though my heart is really racing. Where in the world did this come from? YIKES! And except for the stupid rude dog…it was kind of fun.

Cyber-Insecurities

We all have real life insecurities.  Now thanks to the Internet highway and success of social forums such as facebook, myspace and twitter, we can all have insecurities in the virtual world as well.  You send an email that goes unanswered, leave comments that get deleted or find yourself removed from a contact’s friend list.  You can’t help but wonder why any of these has happened.  Do you owe them money, have you offended them, do they know something about you that even you, yourself have no awareness of?  You even start to wonder if something from your deep, dark past has risen to the surface and everyone else is chatting about you behind your back.  Then you realize that perhaps the email was lost in cyberspace, maybe you didn’t hit submit after leaving the comment….or maybe a system glitch has removed you as a friend.  Most of us will never investigate or uncover the truth.  We’ll go on forming answers from our little insecurities.  Maybe step away from the computer and get back to the real world.

In My Head

I “write” in my head, throughout the day.  I love to write and have been doing so since way back, when I used to confide in my diary.  But there have always been some inhibitions in writing. In the past, trespassers were a dreaded occurence.  There are many things that I never would have been caught doing and never been in trouble for, if I had not left handwritten documentation where my mother could find it.  My husband (now, my ex-) was another to read through my ponderings uninvited.

The fear of being judged unfavorably also inhibits my writing.  I’ve written blogs on myspace and enjoyed having the outlet for thoughts.  Then I found myself writing with caution.  I don’t want to offend people that may like me and I want to avoid giving enemies amunition to use against me.  I began over-thinking, so I stopped blogging.  Recently though, I’ve been toying with the idea of an anonymous blog.

I want to be able to write just for myself.  I want to write what my head says to me without losing face or hanging myself.  Hopefully I won’t spoil things and confide in any one person about this.  I don’t want to change my writing perspective.