Why All the Conflict?

Sometimes I feel invisible. Often I feel unimportant and substandard. I suspect this will never go away. It’s either ingrained due to my environment or cemented by my biology. Probably due to a little of both.

Sometimes I feel obvious. I feel worthy and superior. It comes, it goes. Maybe it’s due to my accomplishments (hahaha) or by the goofballs that live in the world around me.
I see people with warm relationships with others. They have numerous good friends, fun things to do and interesting lives. Sometimes I envy them. I don’t know why I can’t be gregarious. People mostly annoy me…and I mostly offend. I have a kind heart. I’m sympathetic. I’m empathetic. Why do I find most humans to be so damned pathetic? Is there somewhere I fit in?

Does it matter?

I have a good friend or two. Actually, change the word good to great. I have the most awesome family. Can we really be dysfunctional and highly functional at the same time? It’s been a tremendous support to have each other to grieve with…a relief to have each other to celebrate with.

My children fulfill me and they drain me. I have a nice home that I love in a town that I dislike a great deal. My boyfriend lives 1300 miles away from me. This is fantastic and it sucks.

Why all the conflict? Is there any relief? Does it come in pill-form or I should smoke it? It’s all right and I think I’m ok.

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